enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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