i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
