i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
