so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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