Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I puked a lego.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
