So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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