Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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