I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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