what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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