I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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