did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
