It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i think i have two assholes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
