Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
