Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
