I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
