i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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