when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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