I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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