I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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