Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
