eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
