i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize