You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize