why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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