i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
