running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
