i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I checked into jail on foursquare
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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