but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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