I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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