I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
