so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
