She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
