goodnight i made you a song goodbye
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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