I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize