I just saw a hot homeless man
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
