My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize