after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
