I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
