Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
