I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
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