I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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