I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
