if you like me you must not know who I am
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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