haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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