If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
