it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
