Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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