just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need water and some morals
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
