Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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