I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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