I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
