I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
