I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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