I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
