It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
