I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
