Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
